


the air begins to feel a little thin (a car, a torch, a death)

by wooschi



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, BASED ON A CAR A TORCH A DEATH, Character Death, Depression, Harassment, Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:23:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8132107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wooschi/pseuds/wooschi
Summary: They walk up to Tyler’s porch, and Josh reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a lighter and flicks it on. Tyler’s face is illuminated by orange flames and Josh notices the tear stain tracks down his cheeks. “Sort of a make-shift torch,” Tyler jokes weakly, and Josh leans down to kiss him. “I love you, Tyler,” Josh says when he pulls away. A sort of AU based on the song A Car, A Torch, A Death.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is my first joshler songfic au basically, and it's based off the song a car, a torch, a death. Not entirely though, I kind of wanted to write my own twist to it, but there are references and parts of the song in here. please enjoy!!!

Tyler could hear footsteps banging on the stairs and he abandons his journal, racing to lock his door in a rushed frenzy but was too late when it was slammed open and he tumbled backwards. Cold air blew in Tyler’s face as he looked up and saw a large figure stood at the entrance, the sun long down and the only light in Tyler’s room was dimly lit lamp, it casted great shadows around the figure and made the atmosphere haunting. Tyler stepped back and in an instant, the large figure came rampaging towards him, hard hands fisting the collar of Tyler’s shirt as he was shoved into the nearest wall. Tyler’s back collided with wall, his ribbed pushed against his shelf and he shut his eyes as pain bloomed in the area and flowed to his toes. The man’s face was close to Tyler’s, but he didn’t dare to open his eyes.

“I told you to fix the engine of my car and you didn’t! You made me an hour late for work today and I couldn’t do anything about it because you were out and gone!” Tyler’s dad screamed in his face. He just got home from work and Tyler forgot he existed for a few hours if it wasn’t obvious that his door had been unlocked if he did. Tyler kept his eyes closed and his slender arms wrapped around his small frame. “You were probably out being the fag you are! Writing poems about boys and disgusting shit like that!” Tyler felt violated and upset, his eyes stinging with tears that wouldn’t fall behind shut eyes. Now he was desperately wishing his dad would leave as his hands began shaking. What his dad said wasn’t true, sort of. Tyler was always gone before 8am to attend his therapy session before college started at 1pm, he wasn’t doing anything remotely close to talking to men who wasn’t Dr. Memphis, his therapist, let alone sleeping with them. “I swear this is the last time you disobey me or there will be consequences!” Tyler’s dad sneered, finally letting go of Tyler and giving him a look of disgust that Tyler missed from his shut eyes before scoffing and exiting the room, slamming the door. Tyler tumbled to the floor on his knees, his limbs shaking and breathing out of control.

It wasn’t the first time Tyler’s dad threatened him, it happened often since he was old enough to not waste days away playing with toys and watching cartoons. They just always resulted in Tyler having panic attacks, which were hard enough to handle on its own but when they were triggered by something horrible happening, most of the time his dad harassing him, they were much harder to control because Tyler wouldn’t be able to think about his breathing patterns but his dad’s burning insults. Tyler tried hard to regulate his breathing, feeling his hands quiver as he tried to rid his mind of the harsh words flooding his brain. Tyler reached up and gripped the edge of his desk, heaving as he attempted to follow a breathing pattern his therapist taught him that would help him in situations like these. It took a while to properly get his breathing flowing normally, but when it did, Tyler collapsed on the floor in exhaustion.

Tyler hated staying with his dad, but unfortunately, it was the only option to attend college. He wasn’t financially stable enough to rent an apartment or a dorm on campus. Not to mention he was failing classes and was seriously considering dropping out. Tyler figures being homeless on the streets of Ohio would be better than living with his father, a person who was supposed to protect and care about him but was doing the exact opposite. Tyler sighed, cheek pushed against his crusty carpeted floor, before pushing himself up and going to his bed. He sat at the foot of his bed near the edge and looked at the time. It was past 10pm and Tyler briefly wondered if he should go for a walk. He needed some fresh air and time to contemplate his future.

Tyler put on a grey sweater, zipping it up to his chin and throwing the hood over his head, hoping it wasn’t too cold outside. His jacket was downstairs and he was not risking going down there. He dug in his closet and pulled out his secondary pair of shoes as his regular ones were downstairs. The black converse were breaking at the edges and were worn out from years of use, but he couldn’t afford new ones. Putting on his shoes, Tyler opened his window. The window creaked but it wasn’t loud enough to be heard from all the way downstairs. Tyler climbed out of his window, stepping on the thatched roof and turning around to close his window. Tyler hastily walked down to the edge of the roof near a tree that was oddly planted really close to his bedroom window but was located in the neighbour’s lawn. He stepped on the thickest branch and used other branches to help himself climb down the story-high roof.

Tyler jumped into the neighbour’s yard because they didn’t have a metal gate that creaked louder than a car engine when it was opened. Tyler made it onto the streets and decided to go to the park, which was not too far. The streets he walked down were familiar, except he saw every house in tree in a sort of 90s film in his brain – his old memories of how things once were. The park was only a block away from his house, and he avoided any person who looked intimidating as he dodged through lawns and behind cars. The park was empty and swings creaked cryptically in the wind. It wasn’t cold out but Tyler could see condensation release from his breath with every exhale. He snuck through the gates and walked to the swings. The seat was cold when he sat down on it, showing that it’s been long abandoned. The chilly October night was his escape.

Tyler gripped each side of the chains attached to the swing, looking up at the sky and seeing many stars mapped out in the inky night sky. He could make out constellations he’s forgotten names of but still connected the dots. The moon was hidden behind dark night clouds, so the park was lit with orange streetlamps. Tyler sat for a while, his head now hanging low as he watched the toe of his shoes dig into the sand below him. He was really thinking about dropping out of college, it wasn’t his choice to play basketball as a profession. It was merely a high school hobby, but his dad set it all out for him, and after years of playing the same sport, he was sick of basketball. It’s why he was considering dropping out of college to pursue a new hobby he’s been into – poetry and music. It sucked that he couldn’t go to a music college because he couldn’t read music but only hear it. Tyler loved music.

Tyler loved writing poetry, too. He had a whole journal filled with genuine thoughts and words that came from himself that he connected together and created stanzas of pretty good poetry. He also had a keyboard his found in the closet days after he moved into his dad’s house, and he used the small contraption to create melodies he think would sound great with his poetry. The noises the keyboard made when notes that fit together were played was beautiful. Tyler kicked the sand, his thoughts draining out of his head like a faucet. Suddenly shocked and terrified when the swing beside him was pulled back and a black shadow sat down beside him, Tyler jumped.

“I’m sorry!” The person beside Tyler spoke, their voice soft. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I thought I was being loud enough for you to hear me coming,” Tyler looked over and saw a boy not much older than him sitting on the swing beside him, vibrant blue hair tucked under a black beanie and an oversized dark sweater drowning his hands that held the chains from the swing. The boy was cute, Tyler acknowledged. “Oh, um, okay,” Tyler stuttered, consciously tugging his own sweater. The boy’s jeans his rips on the knees and Tyler felt intimidated. “So, what’s happening in your mind? You think I can’t tell something’s wrong? You’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes just staring at your feet,” The boy said when Tyler looked at him suspiciously. “You just looked so sad. My friend lives near here and their window faces this park. Now that we cleared I wasn’t purposely stalking you, what’s wrong?” Blue-haired boy explained himself and Tyler only scoffed. The other boy chuckled and Tyler rolled his eyes.

“Okay, I understand. I’m Josh, if this helps. I thought that you would want to talk to a stranger to help yourself feel better when you’ve gotten it out, but maybe you need a friend,” Blue-haired boy, Josh, said. Tyler squinted his eyes and looked over to Josh, who looked genuine and Tyler sighed in defeat. “I’m Tyler. I’ll have you know that I don’t need to talk to strangers about my problems, that’s what my therapist is for,” Tyler murmured the last part mostly to himself, not wanting to inform his newfound friend that he was unstable enough to be seeing someone about it. ”Cool name, Tyler,” Josh says and Tyler scoffs again. He deemed Josh as weird and odd, but not in an annoying way. “You’re pretty odd,” Tyler admits and Josh doesn’t reply. Tyler’s scared he probably hurt Josh’s feelings until the boy replies “I’m only odd because you’re letting me.”

Tyler could feel himself grinning, and Josh nudges his shoulder with his elbow and laughs. The dark clouds has drifted away and the moon was on display, lightening the world and Josh’s eyes with bright moonlight. Tyler felt himself wanting to go closer to Josh but the swings prevented him from doing so without it looking so weird and obvious. Tyler’s phone rang in his pocket and the loud ringing disrupted the young night and he stilled. It was a ringtone he set for a specific person, and it only rang when he was in trouble. Tyler rushed to stand up, nearly falling over as Josh suddenly arose as well. “Hey, what’s wr-” Josh was cut off when Tyler began speaking. “I – I have to go,” Tyler felt shaky as he realized this was the first time his dad has ever caught him sneaking out. Josh gently put his hand on Tyler’s forearm to prevent him from running away. Tyler looked frightened suddenly. “Hey, it’s alright. I mean, but, maybe, um. Meet here again tomorrow? Earlier, 5 or 6, if you can,” Josh stuttered, and Tyler flushed as he momentarily forgot the wrath waiting for him at home. “Of course. See you tomorrow.” Tyler says, his tone raspier than usual. He’s terrified.

 

Tyler climbs through his window, out of breath as he ran out of the park and all the way home. Everything about his room looks the same how he left it, and he rips off his sweater and shoes and stuffs them in the closet. Tyler flicks his lamp off and climbs into bed, hiding under the covers. He’s too scared to do anything else, and for a moment he wonders if his dad forgot about him sneaking out as he lays in bed in complete silence. Tyler could hear his own breath quickening but he doesn’t dare escape the covers and for a moment he thinks he might pass out. Suddenly, Tyler’s bedroom door slams open.

-

Tyler is sitting on the same swing from yesterday. He’s come way earlier then the time Josh requested but that’s only because he didn’t feel like being at home. His dad beat him to the point where Tyler thought he would pass out, but apparently the only marks he woke up with was a bruise on his stomach, a busted lip and a weak black eye. His bones were in pain for the whole day, but until 2pm rolled around he decided he didn’t want to lay in bed pitying himself. He took a shower to help ease the ache in his bones and that’s when he really saw the remains from last night. It was almost triggering enough for him to relapse, but he’s been clean for over two months and he knew he could hold on longer. The shower helped ease his bones and he got dressed in dark jeans, a striped shirt and covered it with his Adidas sweater and before 3pm, he was gone from his house. Tyler’s been waiting in the park for Josh ever since.

Tyler doesn’t know why he liked Josh, considering the boy was odd and never stopped talking. Tyler was an introvert, and Josh seemed like an extrovert, so he doesn’t know how they got on at all. Looking down at his black Vans, Tyler kicked around a rock that was buried in the sand. The October air was colder then yesterday, and Tyler shivers as a gust of wind tussles through. The park is empty just like yesterday, probably because not much kids lived in this neighbourhood. Tyler looked at the rusting playground, the slide covered in brown leaves and abandoned. It was a depressing sight. Tyler forced himself to look away. The clouds were grey and Tyler sighed. Time was ticking by slowly.

Tyler considered getting up and going for a walk after being sat on the same swing for over nearly two hours when he heard a shout of a familiar voice behind him. Tyler looked back, the swing creaking as he moved, and saw Josh jogging towards him. The boy wore the same baggy sweater and jeans from yesterday, but instead of a beanie there was a red snapback that contrasted against his bright blue hair. Tyler liked his blue hair. Josh jogged close enough to walk the rest of the way and he took the swing beside Tyler. “Hey, Tyler,” Josh greeted. Tyler waved, suddenly feeling shy compared to yesterday. “Why are you here early? Not that I’m complaining, but it’s only 4 and I was thinking about visiting my friend for a while but you’re even better,” Josh admits and Tyler flushes. “I was bored,” Is all Tyler replies with, which isn’t really a lie. Tyler feels awkward, his introvert personality dominating his carefree personality he had last night. Josh doesn’t really seem to notice. “I wish I was bored earlier, too. Just so you wouldn’t be sitting here alone.” Josh says, tugging on the sleeves of his sweater as Tyler flushes.

“About yesterday, do you still care to tell me about what’s wrong? Or is it over and done with?” Josh asks, and Tyler shrugs, looking over to Josh. Josh looks over to Tyler and his expression goes from calm and neutral to wide eyed and worried. ”Tyler? What happened?” Josh askes, and Tyler remembers that he’s sporting a busted lip and black eye. His heart starts to race. “Uh - nothing really, I mean, I’m not very coordinate when it comes to walking, I walked into a door last night, that’s all,” Tyler lies, biting the side of his lip that isn’t busted. Josh doesn’t question it anymore and the bruise on Tyler’s stomach throbs. “Okay. Well, um.” Everything is awkward now and Tyler feels like he should’ve at least attempted to cover his black eye, or maybe avoided his dad’s fist to his face.

“Well, it’s getting cold now,” Josh states, and Tyler notices that the wind is blowing more harshly. “So maybe you want to go for a car ride? My car is parked at my friend’s house,” Josh suggests. “I don’t know, do I want to get in a car with a complete stranger I just met yesterday while he was stalking me?” Tyler quips, and Josh looks offended and upset. Tyler regrets speaking now as Josh looks so torn down. “Hey, I told you,” Tyler cuts Josh off with a swift motion of his fingers. “I was kidding, in fact, I would rather be in a warm car then sitting on a cold swing,” Josh suddenly perks up, grinning, and Tyler swore he never seen anything more adorable. The crinkles by Josh’s eye when he smiles makes Tyler smile, and he curses himself mentally for falling under Josh’s charm. “Let’s go?” Josh suggests and Tyler stands up, Josh copying him. Tyler notices how tall Josh in compared to himself, approximately five inches taller than himself. Tyler feels his dominance slip away and he blushes. Shit, why did he think he would be the dominant one in this friendship when Josh was taller and probably older? He could drive, too! Something Tyler never thought of even trying.

Josh leads Tyler in the direction to where his car is located, and they walk side by side, not speaking. Tyler stuffs his hands in his pockets, feeling cold air nip at his ears and nose. “So, Tyler, what’s your last name?” Josh asks, his nose red from the cold. “Joseph, what’s yours?” Tyler asks. “Dun. Joshua Dun, with one N, not two like how most people think it’s spelt,” Josh says and Tyler smiles.

They arrive behind a house, there’s a dog chained up on a pole sleeping in a dog house pushed against the house and Tyler nearly melts. “Her name is Emmy, she’s Mike’s dog, Mike being my friend. She’s an outside dog, her choice. She loves it outside, even on the coldest days. She loves snow, I think the reason she’s outside a lot, out of choice, is because she’s waiting for the snow to come,” Josh informs and Tyler could feel his heart swell with every information Josh says about Emmy. “She’s cute!” Tyler gasps, watching as the Golden Retriever yawns and rests again.

They arrive to Josh’s car, which is a black 2005 Ford. “I know that car’s ugly, but it runs like new,” Josh says and Tyler laughs in response. Josh unlocks the door and walks to the driver’s door as Tyler opens the passenger. Tyler awkwardly clambers into the car, and Josh starts the ignition after Tyler closed the door. Tyler puts on his seatbelt and so does Josh. Josh pulls out of the drive way and Tyler watches each house pass in a blur. Tyler’s hands clasp together and he awkwardly bites his lip when they come to a halt at a red light. “Any ideas on where to go?” Josh asks, looking over at Tyler while people cross the street. “Um, no. It’s your car, I don’t want to be responsible for wasting gas,” Tyler murmurs, and Josh chuckles in response. “Don’t worry, I can travel 500 miles and still have half a tank,” Josh exposes and Tyler wonders. Travelling 500 miles away with Josh? Tyler blushes at the thought.

They drive downtown, eventually, and Tyler looks up at all the tall buildings. It’s been weeks since he’s been downtown since his college is uptown, just a few neighborhoods away from his dad’s house. He forgot how tall the buildings actually were. Josh seems amused by Tyler’s fascination with the tall buildings. “Have you never been here?” Josh asks, half sarcastic and half surprised. Tyler blushes and stutters, “Man, no, I mean, yeah I’ve been downtown, a few times. The last time I came down here was to go to big shopping center with my mom to buy stuff for college,” Tyler says, thinking about the time he and his mom came downtown with Zack and Maddy, back to school shopping, but for Tyler’s case it was back to college shopping. “You go to college? Let me guess, Ohio Sporting College?” Josh asks and Tyler’s memory bubble pops. “Hm, yeah. The only college that’s not downtown”, Tyler confirms. “My second year. I plan on dropping out, though,” Tyler admits and Josh looks shocked. “Dude, really? You’re like, what? 21 – 22? Why are you dropping out? Don’t you think you’d regret it?” Josh asks. Tyler shrugs. “I’m 22. I hate basketball. I don’t want to have a sports degree. I like music and poetry,” Tyler admits, watching cars zoom by his window on the road. Josh doesn’t reply and Tyler leans his head on the window. Josh drives halfway across town when they stop at a red light near a Wal-Mart.

“Do you mind?” Josh asks, and Tyler looks over to see Josh motioning to the Wal-Mart. “I promised mom I would stop by Wal-Mart and pick up food for our cat,” Josh informs and Tyler feels himself grin. “Okay,” He says, and Josh turns into the Wal-Mart parking lot. There are not a lot of cars parked in the parking lot, so Josh parks relatively close to the entrance. Josh turns off the engine and looks over to Tyler. “Are you coming? Or waiting?” He asks and Tyler scoffs. “You think I’m waiting in the car?” Tyler asks, faux sarcasm dripping off each word. Josh puts his hands up in defence, “I was only asking!”

Tyler forgot that some Wal-Mart’s have doors that automatically open and jumps when the door slides open with him or Josh coming to contact with it. “I haven’t been to Wal-Mart in ages! My dad does the shopping, it feels so weird being in public,” Tyler admits and Josh laughs, grabbing a shopping basket as Tyler walks into the produce section. Josh only hums, patting Tyler’s shoulder as he leads the shorter boy to the animal care aisle. Tyler picks up a can of cat food with a tabby cat on the label, and then a different can with a Siamese cat on it. He holds both cans in his hand and tries to decide which one he thinks Josh would prefer. “Tyler? What’s wrong?” Josh asks, and Tyler pouts. “I have no idea which one your cat would like.” Tyler says and Josh laughs until he’s out of breath.

 

Josh offers to drive Tyler home once 10pm has rolled around, but Tyler insists to drop him off at the park. Josh doesn’t question it as Tyler seemed so scared at the thought of Josh driving him home. “I swear I trust you to know my address, I just, my dad, he’s, he’ll think-“ Tyler can’t say it, because even though him and Josh are just friends, his dad would probably think of it the other way. “Just please, drop me off at the park.” And so Josh parked in front of his friend’s house near the park, and Tyler’s head hangs low as he tugs the cuffs of his sweater. The silence is not awkward and Tyler is thankful that his awkwardness isn’t a problem now. Tyler look up over to Josh and looks confused as he’s unsure what to do. Tyler opens the car door and climbs out of it, he turns around to looks at Josh. “Um… see you again?” Tyler questions, and Josh nods. “Yeah, I’d like to see you again. Tomorrow?” Josh asks, and Tyler nods. “Meet at the park at 5, I promise not to be early.” Tyler says, closing the door and walking around the car. He doesn’t look back at Josh’s car as he cuts through the lawn to get to the park. Tyler hears a car drive away and knows it’s Josh, there’s no other car to be heard or seen.

 

There are no troubles for Tyler when he gets home. His dad wasn’t home when he got home, so he was free of a beating for being out too late. Tyler climbs into bed, a smile on his face as he thinks about the blue-haired boy with cute eyes. He’s so into thought about Josh that he doesn’t even hear his dad come home and go into his own bedroom, but Tyler falls asleep without a beating and the thoughts of Josh.

-

They make is an everyday thing now. Tyler and Josh meet at the park every day at 5pm, and Josh is okay with Tyler taking up his time, insisting that he needed new friends anyways. Tyler feels good knowing he finally has a person he could call friend. They always hung out in Josh’s car, driving around until the sun goes down. Sometimes they would play music really loudly and Tyler loved those moments, hearing Josh sing along to a Bowie song. Sometimes they hung out at the park, after hours of driving around, sitting on the swings just talking about the things they liked. Tyler told Josh about his morning therapy sessions, and Tyler learned that Josh has ADHD, which was totally fine.

It’s been a week since they first met that October night, it was nearing the end of the month, and Tyler is meeting Josh again. But this time Josh is picking him up at his house. Tyler’s dad is out at work and won’t be back until late, like usual, and Tyler is okay with Josh picking him up. He says it will be better to pick him up then to drop him off at the end of the night, when his dad is home. Tyler still never told Josh about how his dad sometimes beats him but occasionally harasses him for even thinking about boys in any way that is not friendly, it’s not something he could tell yet when he’s still unsure if Josh is really down with him. He’s sure Josh doesn’t like him more than a friend, anyways. Tyler is pacing his bedroom, contemplating whether Josh really liked him in general. Even though Josh insisted that he liked Tyler as a friend.

Suddenly, all thoughts about the ‘what if’ about Josh comes tumbling down onto Tyler and he feels helpless and unsure about everything. What if Josh realizes that Tyler is helpless? What if Josh finds out about Tyler’s not-so-pure thoughts about Josh that he sometimes catches himself thinking about? What if Josh connects the dots that Tyler’s dad abuses him? Tyler feels his breath catching in his throat and it’s been over a week since he’s had a panic attack, it was bound to happen again sometime. Tyler hated himself for being so unstable, and his vision became blurry. Tyler stopped pacing, knees buckling as his breathing caught in his throat. Tyler felt tears sting his eyes as his breath was caught in his throat and he collapsed on the floor. He buried his head in his hands and attempted to regulate his breathing. In… Out… In… Out. Tyler choked and began spluttering, becoming lightheaded as he felt his breaths come out shorter and intake was harder.

Suddenly, there was arms lifting Tyler from a fetal position up onto his knees. Tyler saw through blurry vision familiar blue hair and dark clothes, and Tyler spluttered. “Tyler? Tyler, calm down, breathe with me,” Josh attempted, and Tyler’s hands started shaking. “In and out, do it with me, Tyler,” Josh started inhaling and exhaling, and Tyler attempted to mimic Josh’s breathing. Slowly, Tyler’s vision was becoming less blurry and his lungs felt less constricted. Tyler copied Josh’s breathing until his breathing became regular. Tears streaked down Tyler’s face and he fell onto Josh’s chest out of exhaustion. “Tyler?!” Josh panicked, the boy limp in his arms. Tyler nuzzled into the fuzzy sweater Josh wore, feeling his strength slowly come back as he leaned in more into Josh’s chest. “Shh, just tired,” Tyler informed, and Josh became still. Josh hesitantly rubbed Tyler’s back and the motion was nice and Tyler felt himself shut his eyes.

“I always become so tired after an episode,” Tyler admits, “not sleepy tired, but more like an ‘I can’t move because my bones are too lazy’ sort of way.” Tyler sighs, and Josh shifts under Tyler’s weight. Tyler slowly gets up with the help from Josh, and he’s suddenly embarrassed. “I’m sorry,” Tyler whispers, his eyes darting past Josh’s eyes and onto the carpet behind him. “Hey, it’s okay,” Josh says, hands cupping Tyler’s chin to gently make him look up at him. Tyler flushes, a small gasp escaping his parted lips. “I know about panic attacks, I used to get them when I was younger, so I know how scary they are,” Josh admits and Tyler feels slightly better knowing that Josh knew exactly what it felt like to not have control over your breathing and emotions. “I’m sorry,” Tyler repeats after moments of not saying anything. Josh pulls Tyler towards him and connects their lips in a gentle kiss. Tyler’s pulse suddenly races, this time not in a bad way.

Josh pulls away, his eyes searching Tyler’s face for a reaction. Tyler only blinked, before reaching up to Josh’s shoulders and leaning over to kiss him again. Josh’s hands rest on Tyler’s hips and Tyler feels tingly as he dominates the kiss. Josh pulls away, and Tyler misses the warmth of his lips. “You shouldn’t leave your door unlocked, what if I was a robber?” Josh says and Tyler huffs. “Right, but you technically are. You stole my first kiss.” Josh’s eyes widen and Tyler flushes. “I know what you’re thinking, wow, lame Tyler, 22 years old and never even kissed a person, well sorry that I wasn’t attracted to anybody until now,” Tyler drones and Josh laughs. “Okay, one) I don’t think that’s lame, it’s cute, and two) you’re attracted to me?” Josh asks, amused and Tyler groans. He was attracted to Josh – a lot. “Prolly.” Was all Tyler responded with before standing up and exiting his bedroom.

 

Tyler doesn’t mean to be salty about the whole debacle, but he’s embarrassed and feels foolish. He’s sitting in Josh’s car, arms crossed as he bitterly ignores Josh’s attempts to start a conversation. They are driving around a secluded town and Tyler watches as the sun sinks down into the horizon, colours of pastel pink and soft orange spill across the sky. The sunset has been going down earlier as the seasons continues changing. Today it’s going down at 8pm and it’s a lovely range of pastel colours. It’s a rare beautiful sunset for October, usually skies are spent dark and grey and the only sunset colours being blue and sad. “Tyler, it’s been 2 hours and you haven’t even said anything besides your slushie flavour I bought for you, please, it’s not that deep,” Josh attempts for the 10th time. Tyler sighs, “I know, it’s just embarrassing for myself, maybe not you, but I’m sorry. I’ll get over it,” Tyler says, uncrossing his arms and looking over towards Josh. Josh is smiling out of victory and Tyler rolls his eyes. “Having ADHD, driving for hours makes me lose my mind, but when we sing along to songs and laugh, I forget about it. I like to see you happy.” Josh says and Tyler feels his stomach flutter.

Once the sun is down fully and the sky exploded with a deep red and purples have faded into inky blues and greys, Josh is driving back to Tyler’s neighbourhood. “My therapist says I’m less anxious,” Tyler informs, watching the houses pass by in a blur. “He says it’s because I’m becoming less of an introvert, that I’m caring less about how others perceive me,” Tyler adds, and it’s true. Ever since Josh came into his life, he’s been less caring of how others see him. If Josh could handle him and not think he’s weird, then maybe other people don’t even think twice about him. It’s really eased his social anxiety, and he’s less likely to have a mental breakdown after a long day in public. “So, I just want to say thank you, Josh. Thank you for helping me become a better person mentally.” Tyler says, and Josh has long parked his car in the usual spot near the park and looks extremely happy and flattered. “Tyler…” Josh whispered, and Tyler turns his head to look at Josh but he’s bombarded by Josh himself, who hugs him tightly. Tyler hugs him back, relishing in the warmth of Josh’s arms. Tyler feels contented for once in his life.

 

Tyler walks through his front door, knowing his dad is home by his shoes by the door. Tyler doesn’t think twice as he toes off his own shoes and goes upstairs. Tyler is taking off his sweater in the hallway as he walks to his room, and opens the door midst change. Tyler stops in his tracks when he sees his dad sitting at his desk, his poetry journal open in front of him. “Boy, I knew you were a little fag. Who’s Josh, huh?” Tyler’s dad spats and Tyler’s hands begin to shake out of anger and fear. “And why does he ‘make your stomach do flips whenever he looks at you’?” Tyler’s dad mocks, reading the words off of Tyler’s journal and Tyler feels ashamed and frightened. “You aren’t a little sissy, I didn’t raise you that way! You’re a man! You like girls! Stop sinning against God’s orders!” Tyler’s dad shouts and for a moment Tyler thinks he should make a run for it. Now he knows that living on the streets would be better than living here. Tyler’s dad stands up and rampages towards Tyler, gripping him by the shirt and landing a fist to the boy’s face. Tyler cripples in pain but his dad is still holding him up, and knees Tyler in the stomach. Tyler doubles over and gasps, tears forming in his eyes as he tries to curl into himself in self-defence.

“You little fag!” A hard punch is thrown on the side of Tyler’s head and he becomes dizzy, pain subsiding as the world becomes dark. He could barely hear his dad’s hateful insults as he passes out in his dad’s hands.

-

Tyler wakes up in his bed. There’s a cold compress on his head and for a moment he wonders if his dad suddenly decided that abusing his son is shit and tried to make his inevitable headache less painful, but then Tyler sees a flash of blue hair looking down at him. “Tyler?! What happened? You were on the floor! It’s 2pm, why were you still asleep? Did your dad do this to you? It seems like you’re the only person who lives here besides him!” Tyler’s head throbs and he groans, ignoring all of Josh’s questions. Tyler sits up, ribs flaring in pain and head feeling like someone jabbed a knife through his skull. “Careful!” Josh says and Tyler rolls his eyes. “I appreciate you caring for me, Josh. But could you stop talking so loud? My head hurts,” Tyler says, looking at his nightstand to avoid Josh’s eyes. There’s two red pills and a glass of water sitting there that weren’t there last night. Tyler hastily reaches over and dry swallows the pills and takes a gulp of water to help wash them down. “Seriously Tyler, what happened? Remember the first time we met and I asked that question? You still haven’t answered me,” Josh says and Tyler wants to fight Josh.

“Nothing happened, I walked into my door thinking it was open but then bam! Fallen to the floor when I hit my head hard against it, I guess my dad didn’t see me when he left for work,” Tyler lies, biting his tongue inside his mouth. Josh looks entirely unsure about the whole thing Tyler’s said but he doesn’t want to upset the boy anymore. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” Josh asks, almost desperately and Tyler feels bad. “Yeah, I know that.” Is the last thing that is said before silence falls between the two boys. Josh awkwardly shifts to sit on Tyler’s bed, and Tyler sniffles.

“There’s supposed to be a power outage tonight, not sure when it starts. Just until the morning, then power goes back on,” Josh attempted at conversation and Tyler appreciates it, but the newfound information shocks him. “Seriously?” Tyler asks, voice raspy and sleepy. “Yeah, my mom was talking about it all morning, complaining how Mavis was afraid of the dark and how our milk will get spoilt,” Josh says with a chuckle. “Stupid cat, afraid of everything, really.” Tyler chuckles and Josh smiles. Tyler’s headache is subsiding and so are the aches in his body, and Tyler wonders why he never took Advil after a rough night like that instead of sulking in bed. Tyler plays with a loose thread coming out his blanket and suddenly remembers about his journal. Head snapping to his desk, Tyler sees is placed on his desk and he’s grateful his dad had the decency to leave his journal alone.

“Let’s go to the lake,” Josh suggests, ‘the lake’ being a swamp about a half hour drive out of Ohio in the middle of nowhere that all the cool kids used to go to during high school. “That’s still a thing?” Tyler asks, astonished. Josh looks surprised, “You know about the lake?” Tyler furrows his brows. “Dude, I know I’m lame but of course I know about the biggest party hangout for high schoolers,” Tyler says, crossing his arms. Josh just laughs, and he kind of pats Tyler’s knee, unsure how much he’s able to touch him now.

 

The drive out to ‘the lake’ took a lot longer than usual, because Tyler demanded to stop every ten minutes to take pictures of the high rocks in the distance, something he’s never seen before. But they arrived there around 5, and there was no one in sight for miles. “This place is an abandoned dumpster,” Tyler says, rushing over to the cliff of the rock, looking down below him was 40 feet of free fall and then deep brown water. “The water is a swamp, I can’t believe people swam in it,” Tyler quips, falling down onto his knees and scooting to a sitting position, feet dangling off the edge. Josh sat beside him, a blanket in hand and Tyler looks over to him suspiciously. "It's cold." Is all Josh says and Tyler laughs. They cuddle under the blanket, legs dangling off the edge and miles in front of them was water and then forestry.

“What’s wrong?” Josh asks, and Tyler knows he’s talking about what is happening in Tyler’s personal life that he doesn’t know of, the tone is the same as the first time he’s ever asked him that. “I feel like you genuinely want to know all the shit going on,” Tyler mutters, still looking out at the swampy waters in front of them. “I do,” Josh confirms and Tyler sighs. “Fine, okay. Well, my dad. He’s, well, I think you already know… He hits me,” Tyler says and Josh growls lowly and Tyler chuckles weakly. “I should say beat, he leaves bruises, Josh. The second day we met up, when I had that black eye, it was from him. I also had a giant bruise on my stomach for days, and it hurt like hell to sit in your car while you drove over holes in the road, but I was spending time with you so I didn’t think about it much. Last night was the first time since we met that he’s ever beat me to the extent where I passed out. He’s hit me during the week for coming home late, but yesterday he beat me. I think I have another bruise on my stomach because it hurts, I’m just too scared to check because you’re here,” Tyler says and suddenly Josh demands for Tyler to pull up his shirt. Tyler flushes, obeying Josh and pulling up his jumper. There’s a deep purplish-green bruise blooming on his stomach below his ribs and Josh gasps. “That looks so bad, Tyler!” Josh says like Tyler doesn’t already know. Tyler shakily pulls down his shirt and shakes his head.

“I also haven’t been going to college, I dropped out on Tuesday, I haven’t told my dad and I’m probably not going to. I’m scared to live there, Josh, I’m scared of my own dad,” Tyler stutters, feeling tears sting his eyes. He hates his dad for ruining everything, for being the cause of his anxiety and panic attacks and utter hatred for himself. “Live with me, Tyler, I mean it, my mom won’t mind, especially if we tell her what’s happening at your home,” Josh offers and Tyler shakes his head. “Josh, it’s not that easy! If we tell anybody what my dad is doing, they will take him to court and I will have to go to court too and I don’t want to face him that way! Another concept is my dad saying that I’m lying, everyone will think I’m just trying to ruin his reputation! It’s not easy,” Tyler says, tears flowing down his face as he angrily wipes them away. Josh is rubbing his back and Tyler feels helpless. “Please don’t think this situation is easy to fix.” Tyler beg and Josh nods, face nuzzled in Tyler’s hair as he calms the distraught boy.

The sun has gone down and the two boys have been sitting at the cliff, enjoying each other’s presence and occasionally having small . They have forgotten about time as they laid under the stars. Tyler is so thankful for having a person like Josh as a friend. Josh is so patient and kind and accepting, Tyler feels himself fall more for the blue haired boy. Tyler nuzzles into Josh’s chest, feeling tired as he looks at the moon. Slowly, his eyes drift closed.

Tyler is being shook awake, and he splutters and groans as his back aches. Josh is looking over him, worried. "We fell asleep outside," Josh announces, and Tyler cuddles into the blanket and looks up at the sky. It's still a dark blue and the moon moved to the other side of the sky, Tyler sits up anyways. It's not too cold for an early October morning, but Tyler slips away into the blanket. The air feels a little thin as the two boys wait for the morning to begin. “We should get going,” Josh says, looking at the clock on his phone. It’s almost 4am and Tyler nods in agreement. Josh stands up first to help Tyler up, and Tyler thanks him with a bashful grin. Before they leave, Josh pulls Tyler in by the waist and plants a small kiss on his lips. Tyler feels safe as Josh holds him close.

The drive back was faster than driving there, and for a moment Tyler is confused as to why parts of the city is dark until he remembers about the blackout. “I thought a part of Ohio stopped existing,” Tyler says, and Josh looks over to look at the boy and Tyler is leaning back into the seat, head tilted slightly so he was looking out the window. Tyler looked beautiful, Josh noticed, as always, but his sleepy expression and the soft glow of city lights illuminating Tyler’s features was aesthetically pleasing. Josh loved the boy. Josh Dun loved Tyler Joseph. “Hey Ty,” Josh said, and Tyler grunted in response. “I love you. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks and I don’t even know where we stand right now, but I love you. You’ve showed me so much things I could love about you. Your smile, your lips, your laugh, your personality, the way you’re so blunt and real…God, Tyler I love you,” Josh’s heart is thudding with every word and Tyler is hit with a wave of emotions. Tyler cries, but hides his tears as he replies with a faint “Josh…”

They drive in silence, and Tyler’s heart is still thudding rapidly. The neighbourhoods begin to darken, and Tyler sits up. “Josh, thank you. For everything. You helped me so much, you don’t even know. I love your smile, the crinkles by your eyes when you smile, your blue hair, soft voice, your patience with me… Josh, I love you, too. I mean it. You mean a lot to me,” Tyler admits, becoming emotional again as he falls back into the seat and watches Josh expression never change from pure happiness. Josh is ethereal. Tyler loves him.

They arrive to Tyler’s house, the neighbourhood completely dark besides a streetlight lit a few blocks down the street. Tyler forgets about the man waiting inside the house. They exit Josh’s car, Josh hugging Tyler tightly. “Thank you,” Josh whispers, and Tyler hugs him tighter. “I can barely see you, but you are beautiful,” Josh says and Tyler blushes. Before Tyler closes his car door, he climbs inside and over the seat, and Josh curiosity flows through him as he attempts to see what Tyler is doing but can't see anything from the darkness. Tyler climbs out and closes the car door. They walk up to Tyler’s porch, and Josh reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a lighter and flicks it on. Tyler’s face is illuminated by orange flames and Josh notices the tear stain tracks down his cheeks. “Sort of a make-shift torch,” Tyler jokes weakly, and Josh leans down to kiss him. “I love you, Tyler,” Josh says when he pulls away. The flame goes out and Josh’s hands slide into Tyler’s, and he hands Tyler the lighter. “Your makeshift torch,” Josh says and Tyler giggles. Josh pulls in for another hug, pecking Tyler’s cheek as he pulls away. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Josh says, and begins to leave. Tyler stands on his porch, watching Josh walk away and go into his car. The car engine starts and Tyler wishes he could leave with Josh as he watches the car drive down the street. Everything is dark and quiet and Tyler feels himself begin to break.

The front door is opened and a rough voice says, “That’s it, you fucking fag, I’m done with you.”

-

Josh is driving to Tyler’s house. He hated the idea of Tyler being in the house with an evil abuser, but Tyler insisted. Josh didn’t want to disappoint him. So now Josh was driving over to see Tyler, it was 5pm and Tyler’s dad would be long gone to work. When Josh arrived to Tyler’s house, he looked up at the window where the tree was. Tyler has told him it was the tree he used to climb into his room late at night when after Josh dropped him off, Josh thinks yesterday was the first time Tyler used his door. He gets excited when he sees Tyler’s curtains drawn open, meaning the boy was awake. Josh ran up the porch steps and opened the door. The house was eerily quiet but Josh assumed Tyler was journaling. Josh jogged up the stairs and got confused when he saw one of the two bedroom doors opened that wasn’t Tyler’s. Curiously walking over to Tyler’s dad’s room, Josh got confused when he saw everything messy. He never saw Tyler’s dad’s bedroom before but he assumed it would be cleaner than this. Josh walked into the bedroom, noticing the closet was empty. Furrowing his brows, Josh opened the drawers, seeing empty wood. Suddenly turmoil, Josh rushed to Tyler’s room. He wished Tyler was here.

Opening the familiar bedroom door, Josh nearly fell to his knees at the sight. There Tyler was, laying on his bed, bloody and limp. Josh scrambled over to Tyler’s body, tears forming in his eyes as he screamed. “Tyler?! Tyler!” Josh checked for a pulse but Tyler’s body was cold and limp, his sheets and blankets soaked in blood. Tyler’s shirt has been cut open and there was a long gash from his chest down to his stomach, and the sight almost made Josh throw up as he cried. “Tyler, please don’t leave me,” Josh begged, knowing it was hopeless and Tyler was already gone. Tyler couldn’t be saved no matter what. Josh still called for an ambulance, his words slurring together as he sobbed. Josh crippled to the floor, tugging at his hair. “Tyler, why did he do this to you? I’m so sorry for leaving you here with that demon,” Josh cried, his heart beating faster than usual as lumps formed in his throat. "I'm sorry!" Josh screamed when the paramedics arrived, he was being pulled away from Tyler’s mutilated corpse and began flailing his limbs. Everything happened slowly; Josh being pulled away from the horrific scene, Tyler’s body being zipped in a white body bag and carried to the back of the ambulance. The last thing Josh seen before passing out from exhaustion was the ambulance driving away carrying the corpse of the love of his life and the flashlight of a police officer.

-

The coffin was closed, a request from Tyler’s family as they couldn’t bear to see the scars covering Tyler’s lovely face made by the man who was supposed to love him but became his biggest demon. Josh was sitting a few rows back, no one really knew who he was because Tyler apparently never told anyone about him. It’s okay, Josh thinks, maybe it’s for the best. Tyler’s mom is gentle and lovely, and Josh wonders how she let Tyler live with that horrible man that cost him his life. Josh thinks about Tyler, how he was so brave to even consider going back to the house that held his fate. Josh's shoulders shake as he thinks about Tyler, thinks about his beautiful smile and cheerful laugh he could still hear echoing at the back of his mind. Tyler's dad was caught outside of Ohio and was currently going through trial. Josh hopes the sick bastard gets a life sentence or the death penalty. Maybe he had it all planned; to murder Tyler. Josh shivered and felt his heart break for the umpteenth time. God died for His people's sins, Josh thinks, and in the moment he understands why God died. Josh is shaking by the time the ceremony ends, and he’s about to exit the church when someone calls out to him.

“Hey, blue-haired boy!” The voice is deep and Josh turns around. An older boy who has the same nose as Tyler walks over to him. “Are you Josh?” The boy, Josh assumes is Tyler’s brother, asks. Josh nods, feeling unsettled as Tyler’s brother then fishes in his pocket. “This is for you. We found it in Tyler’s room.” The boy says, and Josh nearly falls over as he sees Tyler’s journal taped shut with a white envelope titled ‘Josh, the one with blue hair’ written on the front taped to the journal. Josh takes the journal gently, and Tyler’s brother pats his shoulder. “You meant a lot to him, Josh.” Tyler’s brother says before walking away. Josh thinks he’s going to collapse but steadies himself as he exits the church. Josh walks over to a bench covered in chipping white paint and lily flowers. He sits down, Tyler’s journal and envelope still in his hands.

Josh takes a deep breath, and unsticks the white envelope first. He opens the envelope and pulls out a small sheet of paper. The paper holds words that looked like they’ve been written quick and Josh begins reads it.

Josh,  
My best friend, the love of my life. Thank you for everything. I don’t have much time, I can’t write the six page note like I wanted to. Instead I leave you with my journal, the hundreds of pages filled out with words just for you. I knew the skin that held my bones wasn't made to play this game. Thank you for being my inspiration; you car, our torch, my death. A car, a torch, a death.  
Love always, Tyler

A drop of water falls onto the piece of paper and Josh controls himself as the ink runs together through his tear drop. He holds the piece of paper close to his heart with shaky hands and looks up at the sky. The clouds are grey and sad, and Josh shuts his eyes gently.What Tyler did in his car the morning he died, Josh almost forgot about it and a few days before the funeral, Josh looked at the back of his car and saw Tyler buckled a jar with a piece of paper inside of it. The paper was a drawing of a human heart made by Tyler and Josh found it devastatingly poetic. Just as his eyes flutter open, Tyler's coffin is being carried to his grave. Josh will never forget his car, their torch, Tyler's death.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @jih96n


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